If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
