Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
