MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
