I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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