All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
