I wish I could punch you in the face.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
