my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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