all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
