I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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