you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
