My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
