I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
