today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
