Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
