MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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