can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
