i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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