I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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