you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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