just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
