Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
