margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
how does that bad decision feel?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
