then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
