she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
