Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
