I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
