What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
