I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
