my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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