I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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