Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
