Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
