you traded sex for a burrito?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
