True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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