I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
