i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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