Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
