i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
