At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
