Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
