Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
