Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
