i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
