here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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