he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
