i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
