so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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