What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
