Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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