I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Randomize
