He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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