I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
