my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
